Flaws & All
There is nothing wrong with having flaws and insecurities. Honestly, that is what makes us human. However, when they begin to affect your daily life it may be time to evaluate yourself. I have compiled a list of my top 5 flaws/insecurities.
Failure
My biggest fear in life is failure! F-A-I-L-U-R-E. If you were to ask people what their biggest fear in life is some would say death. Some might say the fear not finding love or ending up alone. The list goes on. For me, I fear failing as a mother, a friend, a sister, academically, professionally and romantically. Pretty much every aspect of my life.
I get it, in life failure is a good thing. It shows us where we need to improve
and what we need to learn from so we do not continue to make the same mistakes over and over. There is nothing wrong with failing. Hell, J.K.Rowling, Walt Disney, and many others failed before becoming successful. Despite knowing that failure is a way for us to grow. There is a piece of me that feels I will never be good enough. Ever!
I have thought of myself as great writer, but every single time I write something I begin to doubt my writing skills and abilities to communicate efficiently through my words. I often question parental skills and wonder if my children will resent me. I evaluate failed relationships and wonder if I was the reason they didn't work out. Just thinking about failing at something raises my level of anxiety.
Here's a good example: I currently hold a 3.8 GPA, which is pretty solid, right? Damn right it is! But do you know how hard I had to work for that GPA? I get it big deal, I have a good GPA what's the point? The point is even though I have excelled academically and have been acknowledged for it I still fear like a failure. I struggle in courses that are out of my element and do not fully understand. Trust me, Statistics scares the shit out of me and I have yet come to terms with the fact I just suck at math.
Failure can be healthy, but over-obsessing about it will destroy you!
Pushing people away
I have serious trust issues and on a rare occasion that I let someone into my life, I find ways to avoid them or annoy them enough to the point they want anything to do with me. I don't share certain parts of my life with people and if I do it must mean I trust you (a-lot).
If you are one of those rare people in my life that can read me like a book. Please know you're very special and important to me. However, know that I will probably try to distance myself from you because I am afraid you will find out things about me that I am not proud of.
People can be so judgmental and I know having someone special in your life that truly understands you is important, but I hate letting people get too close to me. It scares me knowing I can sit comfortably with a friend and talk for hours about anything. I should be grateful to have a friend like that in my life and God knows I am. But I see it coming the minute they get too close I will do what I do best and push them away, shut them out, hate myself for sharing parts of me I want to keep hidden away.
I keep a very small circle of friends and I like it that way. I'd rather have four quarters than a hundred pennies any day. I really am lucky, because no matter how much I try to lie about how I am feeling they can see through the bullshit. No matter how much I try to push them away they have proved to be in it to win it. Sometimes, I just need a big hug and someone to believe in me. They see beyond the broken, emotional mess of a person I am and choose to roll with the punches.
I keep a very small circle of friends and I like it that way. I'd rather have four quarters than a hundred pennies any day. I really am lucky, because no matter how much I try to lie about how I am feeling they can see through the bullshit. No matter how much I try to push them away they have proved to be in it to win it. Sometimes, I just need a big hug and someone to believe in me. They see beyond the broken, emotional mess of a person I am and choose to roll with the punches.
"One day someone is going to hug you so tight that all of your broken pieces will stick back together."
I hate putting my burdens on other people. It's not fair to anyone and I know how it ends. It always ends the same way. Me pushing away the truest, rarest friends I have out of my life. *Please don't let me push you away!
Overthinking & Over-analyzing everything
One thing I am constantly doing is overthinking or over-analyzing everything. I would say I am pretty good at reading people. My problem with that is taking a simple situation and breaking down every aspect of it.
From example, I have misread many situations and have come up with several conclusions to the interaction. I know it is mostly my fault and I really need to stop doing it. By overthinking a situation it has put me in awkward positions.
I eventually come out and admit I misread the situation and trust me it is embarrassing. Any hope for a positive outcome becomes very slim. However, being on the same page elevates some of the stress. I don't know what the future holds, call it fate or karma but things happen for a reason. I just have to learn not to read more into it things than I should. Never say never!
Saying sorry a lot
I have a bad habit of apologizing for everything even if I didn't do anything wrong. I find myself saying sorry for laughing too loud or being overbearing. I am very persistent and I will not apologize for it, but I know I can come off a little strong or annoying. (This ties in with the pushing people away insecurity).
Although, I am strong-willed and go after I want in life I still end up apologizing for having those attributes. Love me or hate me that part of me isn't going to change. I mean come-on I am sorry I have opened up this much. Deep down I know why I apologize for everything, but I'll keep that chapter of my life closed for now. Sorry!
Lack of Self-Confidence
One thing I have struggled with my whole life is self-confidence. Underneath the not so many layers of make-up and expensive hair products, I hate the way I look. I was bullied a lot for the way I looked, dressed, and even for the way I talk. I've carried that chip on my shoulder for most of my adult life.
On the surface, I look like I am well put together and have all my ducks in a row, but trust me I don't. I am usually one breakdown away from busting into tears. *Again, if you have seen me cry, know that I don't like it and I must adore you to let you see me like that.
I sometimes wear my contacts although they irritate my eyes, just because I think it makes me look better. I hate shopping. Yes, I understand some women love to shop, but I despise it. I guess you can say I am one of those low-maintenance females. The problem is I love clothes, shoes, and accessorizing but don't think I look great in anything. Kudos to those women who look great in anything and don't have to wear make-up. Again, I love to write, but I always feel it isn't good enough although I have had a few article on the front page.
Am I really being hard on myself. Do people really see me and think wow, she looks pretty today? Do people notice the extra effort I put into what I wear or how I do my hair? Maybe! Maybe not! Is my lack of self-confidence the reason my personal relationships fall apart?
I hope one day, I will find the confidence I need to see myself the way my friends do....smart, funny, determined, dependable, strong-willed, a go-getter and yes, even pretty. I think I know this really, I do. There's always that voice in the back of my head reminding me I am not.
In closing....We have to learn to love ourselves before we can love someone else. It's not that I do not love myself. I just doubt everything. I have insecurities like everyone else. I am a survivor and have been through some really difficult times in my life.
I am a optimistic person and know being positive doesn't always work in our favor. Life isn't fair and the timing isn't always right. We will never know why the universe (fate/Karma) works the way it does! Sometimes you have to go for what you want, but sometimes you have to know by doing that you often change the course set for you.
I leave you with one of my favorite quotes:
"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." - Marilyn Monroe
I hate putting my burdens on other people. It's not fair to anyone and I know how it ends. It always ends the same way. Me pushing away the truest, rarest friends I have out of my life. *Please don't let me push you away!
Overthinking & Over-analyzing everything
One thing I am constantly doing is overthinking or over-analyzing everything. I would say I am pretty good at reading people. My problem with that is taking a simple situation and breaking down every aspect of it.
From example, I have misread many situations and have come up with several conclusions to the interaction. I know it is mostly my fault and I really need to stop doing it. By overthinking a situation it has put me in awkward positions.
I eventually come out and admit I misread the situation and trust me it is embarrassing. Any hope for a positive outcome becomes very slim. However, being on the same page elevates some of the stress. I don't know what the future holds, call it fate or karma but things happen for a reason. I just have to learn not to read more into it things than I should. Never say never!
Saying sorry a lot
I have a bad habit of apologizing for everything even if I didn't do anything wrong. I find myself saying sorry for laughing too loud or being overbearing. I am very persistent and I will not apologize for it, but I know I can come off a little strong or annoying. (This ties in with the pushing people away insecurity).
Although, I am strong-willed and go after I want in life I still end up apologizing for having those attributes. Love me or hate me that part of me isn't going to change. I mean come-on I am sorry I have opened up this much. Deep down I know why I apologize for everything, but I'll keep that chapter of my life closed for now. Sorry!
Lack of Self-Confidence
One thing I have struggled with my whole life is self-confidence. Underneath the not so many layers of make-up and expensive hair products, I hate the way I look. I was bullied a lot for the way I looked, dressed, and even for the way I talk. I've carried that chip on my shoulder for most of my adult life.
On the surface, I look like I am well put together and have all my ducks in a row, but trust me I don't. I am usually one breakdown away from busting into tears. *Again, if you have seen me cry, know that I don't like it and I must adore you to let you see me like that.
I sometimes wear my contacts although they irritate my eyes, just because I think it makes me look better. I hate shopping. Yes, I understand some women love to shop, but I despise it. I guess you can say I am one of those low-maintenance females. The problem is I love clothes, shoes, and accessorizing but don't think I look great in anything. Kudos to those women who look great in anything and don't have to wear make-up. Again, I love to write, but I always feel it isn't good enough although I have had a few article on the front page.
Am I really being hard on myself. Do people really see me and think wow, she looks pretty today? Do people notice the extra effort I put into what I wear or how I do my hair? Maybe! Maybe not! Is my lack of self-confidence the reason my personal relationships fall apart?
I hope one day, I will find the confidence I need to see myself the way my friends do....smart, funny, determined, dependable, strong-willed, a go-getter and yes, even pretty. I think I know this really, I do. There's always that voice in the back of my head reminding me I am not.
In closing....We have to learn to love ourselves before we can love someone else. It's not that I do not love myself. I just doubt everything. I have insecurities like everyone else. I am a survivor and have been through some really difficult times in my life.
I am a optimistic person and know being positive doesn't always work in our favor. Life isn't fair and the timing isn't always right. We will never know why the universe (fate/Karma) works the way it does! Sometimes you have to go for what you want, but sometimes you have to know by doing that you often change the course set for you.
I leave you with one of my favorite quotes:
"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." - Marilyn Monroe
Until Next Time,
Samantha Jan
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